Dear Baby,
I am writing this letter on May 23, the day before your due date. Your nani has been here since the 17th (your father’s birthday) because everyone was convinced that you would show up early. Truth be told, I think your father was kind of excited by the possibility that he would get you as a birthday present. But alas, it seems like you didn’t want to steal his limelight and have been very comfortable kicking me in my belly instead.
Although technically my due date is tomorrow, I’m also getting a little bit anxious. Labor is the hardest part and after 40 weeks, I’m ready to get the hardest part over with! We are also running out of things to distract your nani with. We have taken her on walks, let her repot all the plants and clean by the shed. We bought a new grill that we tried out yesterday for the first time and have had her make all sorts of foods and bakes. So if you don’t mind, help your parents out here and make your grand entrance if only to keep her entertained.
I guess through this wait you have taught me my first lesson. I realized more clearly than ever that I really get uncomfortable when I can’t plan. So many things were out of my control with pregnancy but I could distract myself with research on baby stuff and getting baby supplies. I was also still doing writing and having meetings, etc. Now, though, everything is prepared and we are just waiting. That is the most difficult person. Your father will tell you that patience is not my strong suit. When I decide I want to do something or something must be done, I set out to do it immediately. But here, there is nothing I can do except wait. Everything is unknown – the time, the process, the result. It is tortuous! I have also had to accept the limitations of my planning. The main thing I was worried about as far as the birth was an epidural. I’m a bit afraid of getting one but I’ve tried to be open to the possibility of one if needed. So in my mind, the decision was between epidural and no epidural. Since you are not early, we had to set an induction date just in case. This was unexpected. I hadn’t thought about an induction at all. That was something I thought would only be done if there was a problem with the doctor delivering at a certain time. I hadn’t considered that I would actually need an induction because contraction weren’t happening naturally by the 40 week mark. The idea of an induction has made me feel a sense of loss and failure. So weird because there is nothing wrong with induction but possibly needing it makes me feel like I did something wrong or now I won’t get the “natural” birth I was hoping for. So much of life is uncovering the assumptions that we didn’t know we were making. This reveal my limited ideas about what is considered “natural” and how much I am holding on to particular ways of doing things even when I think that I am being flexible.
So my son, that has been your lesson to me. It is what your father does when he tells me that my shoulders are tense and I need to relax. Thanks to the “lateness” of your arrival, I am being forced to unclench my shoulders, relax, and really try to let go. It is a hard lesson to practice because it is not as simple as saying “I do not have control” because that just means I look for things that I do have control over and try to focus on those. But here it is about simply not trying to control anything. Really, REALLY, letting go. Even as I type this, my whole body is responding in panic. But what if?! It says to me. Something could go wrong?! How will you make sure it is okay?!
One thing at a time, one breath at a time. Deal with things as they come. Just focus on the step you are in now and what is in front of you.
Okay, I am trying. I am practicing.