Dear Varun,
It has been quite a while since you wrote your last letter to me. Of course, we have been a bit busy preparing for the baby. I can’t believe that I am 38 weeks now. 9 months. Almost a year. My stomach is grown unbelievably big and round (found out today that he is probably around 7 lbs!). We’ve set up the crib and gotten all the baby essentials. We got the happy news that Imma and Alex, who were 6 weeks ahead of us, had their baby, Leon. Your wood workshop and the deck has been built. It seems like everyone on the planet has visited us at this point. All that is left to do is have this baby. I’m trying not to get too anxious and worried about the labor, the health of the baby, and how we will adjust to having to care for a little human because there is so much out of our control and I don’t want to unnecessarily put pressure on this child and ourselves. But, as you know, I am my father’s daughter and worrying is part of my personality (although I have come to realize that mom is a bit of a worrier too). Luckily, I have had you to remind me to take one step at a time and I can honestly say that this pregnancy has been filled with so much laughter and joy. For a person who shed so many tears for so long, it is really a wonder how little I have cried since we have been together. From the womb, this child has only known laughter and a mother who is thoroughly satisfied and fulfilled. That is the best first gift I could have ever given him and that is all thanks to you.
In your last letter, you wrote a list of things that we value and asked my opinion about them. At the time, we discussed these and I think there was one or two that I thought of additionally but, to be honest, I really can’t remember what they were or my initial responses to the seven you have listed other than my general agreement with the list. I do remember that we talked about what it would mean to develop practices centered on these values. Perhaps I can take a stab at remembering some of those practices we discussed and thinking through the creation of others.
- We value each other. As a baby comes into our lives and radically changes what our day to day looks like, I think demonstrating our value for each other in a tangible way will be one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our family. We need to make time for us as a couple. I know I don’t know anything about having a baby and how much your life changes so I always hesitate to say, we will do this or that, but I think we have to practice letting go of our child here so that we can make some space to reconnect with each other. By this I mean being okay if our parents or a close family member / friend watches the child one night so that we can spend sometime alone. This might mean a once a month (?) date night. Or taking 10-20 mins every night to check in with each other and talk about life like we are accustomed doing. We spend a lot of time talking with each other, literally all day many days. We can’t afford to lose that communication, a key element of our relationship thus far. The thing that ties us together is not the child. He is an extension of our love for each other but our relationship existed prior to him. We must continue to hold space for each other because the two of us will (hopefully) be left to exist after he has move away from home and started his own family. I think we also have to have serious conversations about intimacy. That will look differently initially but I think it is valuable to make sure that the other person feels desired in a physical way. If the latest episode of Maintenance Phase has taught us anything, it is about how a lack of honest communication about what we really need from each other, including the physical, can poison a relationship from the inside out. You are my best friend, but you are more than just a friend. You are my husband, my co-conspirator, and my lover. Those might begin to look different as we age but they are all important elements in our relationship.
- We value family and community. I think one practice here I would like for us to continue to prioritize is what it means to spend time with family and our community in a more significant way rather than through stuff. I know some of it is out of our control, but I would really like to avoid all the gift giving and think about having experiences with each other. Learning music, art, and pizza making from J19. Getting car rides and learning how to fix cars from Warren. Beach outings, card games, and running around with ducks with my parents. Exploring the lake and cooking with your parents. Making a garden, nature walks, baking, visiting the library, playing with legos, woodworking, etc. If I had to reword or emphasize one thing about this particular value is that it is about valuing people over things. This means having a hard conversation with our parents/family about not giving the child too many gifts but still allowing and encouraging them to be part of our child’s life. I know, I know – I don’t have to obsess about it or go overboard with restrictions but my cautiousness about this comes from a worry that if we don’t establish this early on then it will be too late later to really do anything about it. So I ask here that we remain a team about this and try to stay strong even if it is not to the liking of everyone.
- We value honoring our ancestors. One practice here that we can establish immediately is always sharing stories about our ancestors. Even though our child will not get to meet many of his great grandparents (my nani is the only one alive), he should know their personalities through the stories we tell and the pictures we show. If there is a religious holiday that we decide to practice, I think it should be pitra paksh. We can decide later how exactly we might want this to look like, but I think it is important – and related to our previous value – that our child understands himself within a lineage but also that we are always connected and indebted to those in the past (regardless of whether they are directly related or not). I want him to understand the interconnectedness of the world and I want us to be reminded of it through our interactions with him.
- We value kindness. Perhaps I might change or add here the word compassion in the most recent way that we have discussed it together. As a practice, I wonder what this consists of. I think part of it is thinking about how to model that behavior. How can we be kind and compassionate in firstly how we speak to ourselves (how do we treat and talk about our failures, shortcomings, bodies, etc.) and to our immediate circle, including each other (for example, to our family members and friends and when a person is angry, sad, or frustrated). What does it mean to listen to others? To take seriously their experiences and respond to their stated needs? What I am suggesting here is that the practice of kindness requires an awareness of our motivations, why we might be doing/saying something in order for us to avoid conflating niceness with kindness.
- We value justice. As a practice, I think this means, in part, making an effort to expose our child and ourselves to as many people and stories as possible. We have agonized over the lack of diversity in our immediate surroundings and I think that is a legitimate concern. Although that makes it more difficult for us, it doesn’t make it impossible if we do the work not just for our child but ourselves. We have both grown a lot these last couple of years simply by changing the circle of people that we engage with on a regular basis and I think we can continue to work on that with our child.
- We value art and beauty. A few years ago, I read a post about how we stop producing art when we start to believe that it has to be “good” and that we don’t have the “natural talent” or skill for it. There are a couple of things wrong with this belief. One, art, any kind of art, takes practice. Continuous practice and a willingness to work on our chosen medium. Two, it doesn’t have to be “good” in some conventional sense – just fun. Again, I think modeling this behavior is key. Learning and engaging in new crafts and skills not only helps us to expand our mind but encourages our child to do so without thinking that it has to be a particular way. This is a lesson I think you learned during your ping pong match. Your fear of losing the final match caused you to not only hold back but to briefly lose sight of the fun of the game itself, win or lose. There is so much to be gain in the enjoyment of task and that’s what it means tot value as a process rather than a product. As far as beauty, I also think it is important that we attempt to redefine beauty in our lives by considering how the limitations of that category has impacted the value we place on things. Here I am thinking of Courtney’s work on desiring devasted landscapes (her dissertation here but also her public piece here). Courtney’s work radically changed my understanding of beauty and what it means to think through emotions like fear, disgust, and revulsion, both when it comes to ecology and people. I’m also thinking here of the recent podcast we listened to on vultures and how our love and care for cows devasted the vulture population in part because these “ugly” creatures were not valued as much despite the essential role they play in our ecosystem. Of course, these days Aubrey Gordon’s book on fatness is constantly in the back of my mind, in particular when I think of her chapter on how much we have lost because we define beauty in such a narrow way and when we conflate thinness with health, leading us to justify our treatment of particular people in order to make ourselves feel superior. I supposed this is connected to the last value because as Maintenance Phase and Gordon constantly reminds us – what don’t we need evidence for to believe? Because that says something about our core values, what we have come to accept as the norm or correct. If we don’t challenge those things then we cannot works towards a more just society with a more dynamic view of art and beauty.
- We value a life of contemplation. We haven’t really meditated in a traditional sense but I think we are both open to thinking what this practice might look like for us and how we would get a child involved in it. I imagine this might have a outdoor component since we are both drawn to nature but in might also include music, painting, woodworking, etc. I think a large part of it will also be simply talking with each other and sharing our minds with each other. This is what worked well for us during the early days of our friendship before we got together. It has never really stopped but only gotten more intense. I hope that is a practice that we can now share with our child. I process ideas through you. You are my safe space to think through something, to sharpen my blade as you often say. I hope that continues with the new member of our family. I am invested in how he will challenge our beliefs and expand our minds. The wonder of a child is a miraculous and precious thing. We are very lucky that we are about to be thrown into that world.
Well my love, is this the longest of our letters yet? Perhaps. I don’t imagine you will have time to write a response soon. Likely by the time you get to write, Baby Khanna will be here and we can chat about what new things we are discovering with this new mischief-maker.
I love you very much. Here is to our newest adventure!
Love,
Prea