Dear Varun,
We are still on the flight to Bali. You are sleeping next to me so peacefully and I should perhaps be sleeping myself but there are so many things I want to make sure to write down before we land. This is my one opportunity before we land for what will be the biggest trip of my life, an experience like no other. I have no idea what thoughts I might have on the way back, so let me take the time now to write some things down.
I don’t know that I have much to add to your thoughts about community. We have discussed this a few times and we have become more thoughtful about the communities we are involved in and what to expose our little one to. I agree with everything that you have written but I wonder what is the difference between “faith” and “trust?” Is faith just a synonym for trust? Or is there something different about the two?
…… 3 days later……
Okay, so much for finishing this on the plane. I couldn’t stay awake. But you are still next to me, this time wide awake working on your classes as we wait for breakfast.
Let me try to remember my thoughts from before. I was wondering about the different between trust and faith. You say that you have faith in us as a team, but sometimes (just thinking out loud here) faith strikes me as founded in belief (what you want to be true) rather than evidence (what has proven to be true). I think I might also say something like I have faith in us as a team, but I guess the word I would actually mean is trust. Over the last couple of years that we have been married, you have consistently proven that I can lean on you and depend on you. That is something I have never had before. I would gladly fall into your arms during any trust fall test because I have no doubt of your commitment and love. Even if I fell during this test, I would instantly know that it was an accident and would still not hesitate the second time. This, to me, seems stronger than faith because it is based on my experiences and knowledge of who you are. I have hope in our larger community but that’s because I want to think the best of people. In you though, I have absolute trust. It is not based on the unknown but in the known. Is this stronger than faith? I am not sure. But it feels more secure. Some have argued that the “leap of faith” is supposed to be the greatest thing. Maybe it’s because I never really understood Kierkegaard but I’m still not convinced. To me that seems like backward thinking. I ignore evidence of the other because I want to believe something else to be true and I feel like eventually it will be proven. Maybe that’s just because I have been burned before, that it seems like an unwise way to move forward?
…… 2 days later……
On 9/19, there was a post that I never finished writing. Here is what it said:
Dear Varun,
I’ve been thinking about trees lately. Maybe because we just decided to create Varun’s grove or maybe it is because the treatment of trees has come up so often in Rings of Power and the Fellowship of the Ring we are rewatching. Or maybe it’s less about trees and more about what trees symbolize, what it means to see a tree flourish. As you know, one of reason’s we chose this neighborhood was because of the tree lined streets which we admire every time we drive or walk through them. It is hard not to be fascinated by the majestic nature of a tree.
At the bottom of the post, I saved a poem by Joyce Kilmer that I had clearly intended to include in the post at some point. Here is the poem:
Trees by Joyce Kilmer
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
We’ve just come back from Kusuma’s house for dinner and everything we have learned about Bali so far seems so relevant to both this discussion on growing roots and community. It is clear that Balinese culture has a very different, and very beautiful, relationship with their families and their greater community. There is a sense of cooperation and togetherness that is unlike anything I have ever seen before. Their obligation to each other is strong and so is their connection to Bali. My family has lived in Trinidad for five generations but Kusuma’s family has lived in the same compound for the same amount of time. His umbilical cord and that of his children is buried in their compound, under the pandan trees which offers its protection. It brings a whole new perspective and dimension to my early post on trees and our discussion on community. The tree’s roots are literally feeding the umbilical cord throughout the compound, weaving them into the materiality of the physical place in way that is so powerful. I haven’t had time to really think through my thoughts on all that we have learned in Bali because we are so exhausted every night but I feel like my ideas of community are shifting. I can’t put my finger on it yet but Bali was a reminder of something deeper, something I missed previously.
What about you? Has being in Bali changed any of your thoughts on community?
All my love,
Prea