April 15, 2025
Dear Varun,
I know you are usually the one that writes a letter on my birthday. Indeed, finding that letter slipped under my pillow and reading it is one of the highlights of my birthdays every year. This year, though, I thought I would also write a letter with some reflections and random thoughts (in true Prea fashion).
First, I forgot how old I was this year. Mom called me and I said that I was 36 instead of 37. Oops. 40 is right around the corner? Impossible. Also Vishva is almost 2 and soooo cute. I’m almost always made at myself for not getting to spend time with him. I should just be chasing him around instead of buried under work all the time. As I was telling you yesterday, if I had to write a parental leave policy it would give parents a full year off paid, then a second year of part time work, full pay and they could also choose to be remote. I would also contribute to childcare until they are 5. Seems luxurious right? But that’s exactly what you need. Academic maternity leave is such a joke but they like to pretend that teachers have it so good because we “have summers off.”
The reason maternity leave popped in my mind at all is because I have been thinking about what is next for me, whether I want to stay in academy, whether there are really any sustainable options for me. Yesterday’s conversation at the faculty seminar made me realize that I really enjoy having intellectual conversations and learning. I’m a life long student hence why I teach. It gives me a reason and the ability to learn all the time. I was pretty convinced about leaving academia but I wonder when and where I will have those conversations again.
But you know something, even as I say that, I can think of a million ways I can keep learning and expanding myself that doesn’t involve me chain to this system. Ugh, what a privilege thing to say. I want all of the fun and joy and none of the work and sacrifice. I think labor has the ability to shape people in a really constructive way and yet here I am imagining a time where I’m not laboring. I’m fantasizing about trying to paint, learn calligraphy, practice writing and maybe try to write – a short story? A novel? A children’s book?
I’m just so tired. I’m happy. Happier than I have ever been and I’m so thankful for you and Vishva and all that I have. Am I being greedy? Is this what this is? I have everything and yet I’m again not satisfied?
I’m excited to work on your business and really make it thrive. I am excited to leave academia. I’m a little concerned about if I can be useful but I’m excited to be free.
But I worry. What does this say about me? What am I teaching and showing Vishva? Am I telling him that you have to be happy all the time? That’s not possible. Is that true? Or is that what we have been told? Your job isn’t all of who you are. It doesn’t have to be some perfect thing. Everyone’s job is frustrating. If you are looking for one that isn’t, you won’t find one. But I tell my students, there is the potential for labor, for a job, to be fulfilling which is not the same thing as perfect. I would say my job is fulfilling, but is that all that can be fulfilling for me?
I imagine that helping you with this business will also be fulfilling. I will also feel myself flying and expanding in a new way because I will perhaps have a chance to do other things.
Is that wrong? Am I making the right decision?
Surprisingly, I’m not afraid. Normally I would say that means I am making the right decision. Am I too tired to be afraid? To be rational and reasonable? I can only think this way because we have a safety net. Should I be ashamed? Or is that what makes me foolish? Because I have a chance and yet I’m willing to waste it because of some self-constructed constrains of martyrdom?
I supposed to should actually do my schoolwork now. I love you. Thank you for listening to be ramble all the time. Each day that goes by I sew myself tighter and tighter to you. I would be lost without. I love you so much. Thank you for everything.
Yours always,
Prea