My dear, beloved Prea,
You’ve taken your first solo trip since Vishvashanti was born, and it’s going great! I can’t wait to hear all about it when you return. I am so happy it is going well on both ends — you in your conference, and me home with Vishva — because this should now hopefully give you the confidence that you can be a little more flexible and free. Babycare is a beast, but you’ve managed to keep your head above water despite simultaneously teaching full time at Swarthmore and part time at Haverford. I’m incredibly proud of you for what you’ve accomplished, and of course I’m proud of you for the mother I see you being to Vishva. Occasionally we disagree on what the right thing to do is with him, but you always err on the side of compassion and I deeply respect that. For example, it was me who thoughtlessly suggested sleep training early on, and while I had no plan, you had already done the research and rejected it on the grounds that there isn’t evidence that it actually works or helps. But once you learned (while I still had no plan, mind you) that actually he might form an unhealthy dependency on us to be able to sleep even several years later in life, you were the one who brought sleep training back on the table out of compassion for the boy, despite the initial pain of separation on his part and heartache on our part. I deeply respect both views and the fact that you stuck to your principles throughout. In any case, it makes me happy to know you are finally spreading your wings and doing something — anything — solo and for yourself.
So, to reply to the thoughts in your recent letter…
Yes, watching the solar eclipse from our balcony together was incredible!! It was possibly a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m so happy I got to witness it with you and Vishva. As you know, I’ve always been fascinated with the stars and celestial events, and I think you felt the magic this time with me. This experience of awe and wonder is how I feel when I look up at the stars every time. It reminds me to be humble and to remember how giant this universe is, where it’s possible that countless other beings live as well. It makes me so happy to know you found this particular event an amazing experience too. Words fall short of what we felt. I know you still feel that this might all possibly be taken away from you somehow, and while I’m sorry that you still feel this way, since it’s not possible that I would ever let that happen, my goal is and has been from the beginning to make sure that you never have to experience anything less than complete fulfillment ever again.
You asked how I became a good person. I’m flattered that you think I’m a good person, but even if you don’t know this, I know that I’m far from it. Still, it’s true that I experienced a transformation from impatient angry young man to a little less impatient and angry … and young. I think there was a desire in me to be good, first of all, with my early pursuit of dharma and all that, which you know about; but also, there was an event that really made me rethink what kind of person I wanted to be, and the repercussions from it have impacted me ever since. Once, when I was living in the jungle, an acquaintance of mine came to stay with me for some days. He was telling me about his experiences as a Malaysian Hindu and what he and his friends had to go through in India. I kept cutting him off to impatiently offer my 2¢ (well, more like my $2) and philosophize away his problems. He got so mad that he started crying and yelled at me saying that I was an extremely selfish conversation partner and I wasn’t interested in what he really had to say but rather was only interested in saying my bit and making everything about me. This really stung me and made me feel that I never wanted anyone to experience that pain at my hands again, and I instantly vowed — and therefore also transformed — to become a better listener. Events like that have happened throughout my life after that, and when someone openly offers criticism like this friend of mine did, I have not been able to help but take it very seriously. I don’t know why but I can never get such criticisms out of my head and as a result I am almost compelled to transform to be able to live with myself after that. I don’t know if that answers your question but hopefully it gives you some insight into my psychology a little bit. Also, you told me not to waste my time telling you that you are a good person, but I don’t think it’s a waste of time to tell you that because you all too often forget just what a gem you are. Being a good person isn’t about not having flaws, in my opinion, nor is it about pleasing everyone. But it is about wanting to be a good person and trying hard to be that person, which you very much are. And trust me when I say you are a gem. You overflow with kindness and compassion and people around you feel that all the time. I certainly do.
I completely agree with you about what we believe Vishva owes — or doesn’t owe — us. His birth was our choice, and raising him is our responsibility, but beyond that, living well is his responsibility. As far as we are concerned, he owes us nothing but to live a happy life. What value he will assign to us in the future is up to him. As far as honoring our ancestors is concerned, I think there are two parts to it. One is about learning about their sacrifices and respecting them for what they did to get us where we are now. But the other, in a Buddhist sense, is about recognizing them as being composed of networks of relations who are constantly negotiating the conditions they are in, and realizing that they were not necessarily perfect because they’re human too. Seeing them fully like this, in my opinion, helps us to become more compassionate and also more humble. This is something you taught me. By not deifying them, we are actually seeing them fully, recognizing their full humanity, and allowing them to exist in our minds with all the various tensions and complications that they embody/embodied. This allows us to truly honor them, not ignore them in the face of some ideal of ancestor-hood that we wish they embodied. I’m becoming better at doing this with our parents now, and I honestly feel so much lighter with respect to them now after having thought about exactly who they are. And that thought, I believe, is exactly what we owe our ancestors.
As always between us, there’s just so much to talk about, but for now I must sleep, as Vishu and I can’t wait to see you early in the morning and hear all about your adventures!! We love you the most!
Yours forever,
Varun