Dear Varun,
Excuse the random content of this letter. It’s been a while since I have written and as a result, I have all these scattered thoughts I have complied in various notes on my computer and phone. Since I’m flying to Seattle on my first solo trip without you and Vishva, I thought I would take the opportunity to write as much as it down as I can before knocking out.
First, how cool was it to see the solar eclipse from our balcony?! That’s the first time I’ve actually gone out of my way to experience something like that and more than the actual event, it was so wonderful to be out there with you and Vishva, taking it all in. What a magical time in our lives. As you know, it is sometimes difficult for me not to worry that something terrible will happen and this will all be taken away from me. So I find myself in these moments, greedily drinking it all in lest it disappears. I just need you to know, no matter what happens, I am so thankful for you. You have brought me so much joy and happiness. I can’t begin to explain how overflowing my cup is.
I wanted to ask you a question that I have asked you before but I need to hear your answer yet again. How did you become such a good person? I ask because there have been many times, over the last year especially, I have come to the sharp realization that I am not a good person. Or rather than I have some serious character flaws. I say this not so that you can convince me otherwise, so please don’t waste time or energy on that. But I just want to know, how did you change? How did you become a better person? You’ve said that you used to be very angry and uncompromising. That’s hard for me to imagine but how did that change? I find that even when I want to do or be better, it is difficult not to fall back into old patterns without realizing it. I, like many others, believe that people don’t really change but that’s because they don’t really want to change. What about those who do want to change? Is it possible? How do you develop not just awareness but foresight(?), that is, it is not enough for me to the know that I have these particular flaws, how do I control them before they make an appearance? What did you do? What did you say to yourself so that you stopped being reactive?
Speaking of being reactive, I know you had a difficult conversation with your dad the other day and it has been weighing heavily on your mind. Now that we are parents, it got me thinking – what exactly do we owe our parents? I’m thinking here of our changing relationship with our own parents, our parent’s relationship to their parents, and of course what we expect from Vishva. It has been really interesting watching mom’s changing relationship with nani. Growing up, I only remember everyone affectionately talking about nani and laughing about her comments and way of doing things. Sometimes they would roll their eyes at her habits but I really don’t remember anyone saying anything negative. I always thought of nani as the center of our family. Recently, though, it seems that there are only complaints about her and frustrations about her lifestyle and way of talking and treating people. It is weird to hear nani talked about in this way and to hear that things she has had to say recently about other people. I don’t know to feel about it all. I guess maybe what we owe to our parents is the one thing they haven’t asked for – to be seen as flawed human beings trying to do the best they can. I don’t feel like Vishva owes us anything. His appearance in this world was our decision and I don’t feel he has any obligation to us. I would like for him to be a good person in the world, though, and prioritize caring for others. I hope that he can become a better version of us – kinder, more compassionate, more radical. But he owes none of this to us. It is odd to think about it in this particular way though. Because we are taught that we have an obligation to our ancestors – to honor their memory, hard work, and sacrifices. And yet, I can’t bring myself to feel that way about Vishva. It is not that I want him to be self-centered and egotistical. I guess, to return to my earlier point, I want him to see us and the generations before us as containing wonderful and not so wonderful things and to ultimately to do better and go farther than we have done.
Anyways this letter has become long enough. I hope you are doing well and Vishva isn’t giving you a hard time. I’m glad that your parents are there to help and I’ll be back before you even really have a chance to miss me. Thank you for being my best friend.
My love always,
Prea