My Dearest Prea,
As I write this, we are in Orlando at your parents’ house for some days during our winter holidays. I know it’s been forever since I wrote to you and I wish I had more time/bandwidth to write. But now that our classes are over for the semester and we are here in Florida, I find myself in a room by myself while you and Vishva are in the other room sleeping. Earlier today we were talking about how we’ve only been here a day but somehow it feels like much longer. I think part of that is because as soon as we got here, we got busy hosting a family gathering at home and it was simply understood that we both kind of knew what to do and where things were in the house. I immediately started helping your dad clean up chairs and find a table to put outside, not to mention I became the bartender for the afternoon. It made me feel at home, and thus also feel like I’d already been here for days. Later we went to Aunty Linda’s house to be there with/for them during a hard time, and that too was a family gathering where it felt like “of course we’re around” ie we’d been here for a while. Some time ago I wrote a letter to you about “Our Religion”, in which I listed a bunch of things that we value. Number 2 on that list was family, and our family gatherings today made me reflect some more on this.
After the first gathering with a bunch of members of your dad’s side of the family, I was on a high. It felt so good to be part of a family that cares as much as these folks do about each other, and also to be in a space where everyone is so inclusive that you feel like you’ve always been an integral part of the group. From introducing ourselves when they arrived to them giving us long hugs and blessings before they left, the gathering left us all feeling like we wanted to see each other again. Part of what was so fun about it too was that it was low-key, outdoors, and people just kept adding themselves to the group and chairs kept being brought outside to accommodate whoever showed up.
After the second gathering with Aunty Linda and fam, I felt really good too. First of all, your dad asked me to drive the car?! What the?!?!! But secondly, it was so wonderful to be present for the family. Although they were in good spirits, I think they knew deep down that when things turn glum soon, we are people they can rely on to help them stay strong. The shock of a death in the family is one that requires everyone to be present for each other and to lighten the burden of those most affected by carrying whatever little bit of it on ourselves too.
In one event, it was all about having fun together. In the other, although it was also fun, it was really all about being together. In both cases, it was the connections and bonds that were formed or reinforced that, for me, constituted the important factor here. There is an implicit recognition on everyone’s part that we are part of an interconnected web and that we all depend on each other to keep that web strong. It is not about having 100 members of the family (although it seems in West Indian families that is also the case), but it is about having deep connections with whoever is there. It is the bond between us that is more important than how many of us there are. What is the locus of strength in a family? It is in the bonds of the web itself, not in each individual node.
Anyway, I write all this to say, I love family. I love both of our families. It is a wonderful blessing that both families have strong bonds, and especially that Vishva will get to grow up knowing both families well with all their idiosyncrasies and schupidness. Still, the best part of all of this is that I got to form a bond with you, the love of my life, whose physical manifestation is our beautiful child. And through that strongest of bonds we get to explore new family structures/ways of being and form wonderful connections throughout.
Thank you for being my family and my strongest bond, Prea.
Love you forever,
Varun