Tuesday, October 20, 2020
King of Prussia, PA
Dear Varun,
I know you haven’t had time to respond to my previous letter but I saw this post today and it reminded me of some of the things we have discussed lately.
I’m so worried about a lot these days. I have jumped headfirst into a totally different life and now I am taking a huge risk in my career. For someone who has always been super cautious about everything, this quick decision-making feels strange and wrong, leaving a tightly woven knot in my stomach. Others, who don’t know the specifics of our lives of course, are also questioning and wondering. In the face of their raised eyebrows and disapproving or questioning looks, we have to remain strong and confident in our decisions even as I wonder myself.
Part of the reason it all feels so strange is that I’ve never done anything for myself. Purely for myself without trying to compromise in some way for someone else. I’m unaccustomed and unpracticed. It’s kind of like when I tried on that bright red lipstick and despite you and mom telling me it looked great, it felt so strange and wrong when I looked in the mirror. So too I‘m learning how to love myself in an unconditional, fulfilling way and deal with all the reasons why, despite your kindness and love, I’m unable to fully trust in its power and offer that same love to myself.
This of course is related to the ending of my last letter but it just underscores how hard loving ourselves really is. Sigh, what damage this world does to us, my love.
My love always,
Prea